"Happy Mothers' Day"....This is what every child wishes her mother along with kisses and hugs on Mothers' Day. This time I was away from mother because of health reasons. I called her up early morning to wish her and convey my love for her over phone. The response that I got was so unexpected...she said "Same to you". I didn't know what to answer her with, should I say thank you - I am so excited to hear that or should I say be with me I am scared. I was not in a position to answer her and just cried out of both the feelings..
"Mother" is a word of pride, a child always looks up his/her mother. Be a for solution to all sought of problems in this world or be it seeking love when everyone seems to be working against you.
"Mother" has a lot of responsibilities and liabilities attached to it. A child always feels that his/her mother is strongest in this whole world but at the same time most caring & responsible. No matter how much strong you feel you are, you always want your mother to pamper you. It is a hidden desire which very less people let come out.
A “Mother” is to carry her baby high in all times, give him/her the best possible values, morals, studies.
The feelings hidden inside me from the last 8 months suddenly surfaced. There is a big responsibility which my body is preparing itself for all this time but I think my mind is not ready yet to accept it. Whenever I think about it, there is always a question to be answered “Whether I am ready to take this big responsibility or not yet.” My mother is so very important for me and every time I think about her, an associated scare is that I have to grow myself so mature and able so that one day my child can also say proudly that she is my "Mother".
The feelings that a mother-to-be experiences are very mixed. Some days you feel very-very excited, you just don't think of anything else except for the little baby you'll see in some months. You start planning how will you take care of the baby, how will you dress the baby, which changes your house needs to make the baby's stay comfortable. This excitement reaches its peak in last months when the baby movements are huge; I can actually feel the limbs all inside my belly. It feels like I can touch the baby and take him/her out.
But the very next moment, this excitement seems imaginative, you just feel hard to believe that you are carrying a baby inside you, I used to talk to myself "How can my little tummy carry a life, a baby which rotates, smiles, sucks thumb, struggles with the small space by moving hands and legs"...It all looks like a dream.
During this pregnancy period, I have had a strange dream a lot of times. I used to see myself in school again, playing for hours, then going to college and having fun filled parties and then the dream ends abruptly with my seeing some unknown face. May be in my mind I am trying to not breathe in the fact that I am pregnant, I still want to a school or a college girl who cares about just herself and her friends and not concerned with future so much. But when I wake up and see myself in the mirror right across my bed, I realize each morning that I am carrying a responsibility and I should prepare myself. Be it the forceful way by listening to what relatives say or be it via reading/watching some good and informative pregnancy documentaries and planning for the baby coming.
All strange dreams go off soon and you see reality coming your way when you go to have your ultrasound done, it’s heavenly to see the baby looking at you and making gestures. On some occasions, my baby shies away by putting the hands n feet on his/her face; when the doctor taps the belly a little...I get to see a cute face when the baby will open up. A cute set of eyes, shut or half open...chubby cheeks which I want to pull & pat....a cute smile with which I also tend to smile. Luckily my doctor had the facility using which I can get all these cute moments saved for a lifetime in a CD. I didn't want to miss even a single excitement associated with pregnancy. All the tensions that I was having earlier just vanish away and I start planning for the baby coming. Making new clothes and bed sheets for baby is so cute.
The pregnancy time flew off; soon I realized that I am just some steps away from the big day. Delivery is the final blow to all strange feelings, when I will see the miracle of God is born from me. And this reality will bring with itself lots n lots of responsibilities.
I think what my mind is feeling is not something new, every women in this world may have faced this or will face it some or the other day. I still remember how much tense I was the day I found out that I am pregnant. The tension was not because I have done something wrong or because I don't want this baby. It was because I was questioning my ability to be a mother or not. I had planned a lot of things for myself, which all seem to be lost in front of baby-coming feelings. This feeling of responsibility has blocked my mind and nobody's words seem to act as openers. People around me were delighted to hear this news, but for me it was lost amongst a flood of unknown thoughts. I was feeling I am all alone in this and I have to carry it forward. People around you can support you, help you, guide you during this time but can not feel what you are feeling, you can not share everything with them. So what is most important for you is to prepare to take this all with a positive state of mind. Not to miss the support that parents and hubby give in this exciting and tough period.
I feel strange to see girls living in slums who become mother before they understand what motherhood is. Don't they feel what I am feeling right now, or do they take it as it comes. No planning, no thinking, just blindly accepting what comes there way. For some things, I think this approach is so very right. But for some special things like this, thoughts are required, even though you might not be able to change the course of things, but you'll prepare yourself up more appropriately for the times to come.
I have this habit of thinking negative before I think positive in a situation, a stupid example will be to think "what will happen if I fall off the staircase". I always thought that this a bad thing that I do, put question marks on every situation. But, one day I really experienced it, I slipped a few steps and as I was already thinking about falling so I was able to control myself better. That day, I saw positive in the habit which I always thought is bad. This changed my outlook towards life. Now, whenever I feel negative about anything I have an associated positive aspect. Life is not a fun ride, its just your way of seeing it which makes a difference. Now, when God has showered his sweet blessings on me in the form of my kiddo, now I don't have to look back and get tensed, instead I should plan for the future which stores some beautiful reasons much more important than my own reasons.
Everyday I wish myself all the best that I’ll be able to do whatever I have planned for my baby, I don’t know how will I judge whether whatever I am doing is right or not. May be the feeling of satisfaction will say it all. One person whom I will totally rely on for all this will be my hubby, its our joint dream and we’ll make it true no matter how hard we have to put in to make it work, how many sacrifices we have to make.
Apart from me thanking god for giving me this beautiful gift, I want my baby to thank God for giving him/her such parents. This will be my achievement as a “Mother” and then I will be contended that I did justice to God’s decision of giving me this sweet responsibility.
Happy Mothers' Day :)
